in_acrowdedroom

                - a free-verse poem written March 3, 2010
post-production #1

Anticipation mounts
                a racehorse at the starting gate
blood sizzeling from the heat
               of the beating sun? the incandescent stage lights?
                                No
Just my own nerves.
 

What of this next act?
                if I miss my starting
                                gunshot
sounding above the echoing cries
                of the audience below?
 

What of my cracking voice?
                A tripped steed?
What if the eyes—looking upon my frightened self
                —bore deep into my soul?
                               No
Just imagine underwear

What of this success?
                is it simply success
                                or rather
a resounding celebration of the victory?
                Another race won.
 

What of this embrace?
                a gesture of affection
for a love so hard to hide?
                too challenging to accept?  To true to admit?
                                No
Just part of the festivities

how long does it take for your luck to run out

i've never had such an awesome week in a very long time.
but i get this nasty, looming feeling that its coming to an end.

my luck, that is.

i really hope not--and i don't want it to.
i've never felt like things were "too good to be true"
but that's how i'm feeling right now.

Canada gets its first gold medal on home turf... or snow rather
Alex Bilodeau took first place in men's freestyle skiing
congrats to him

too bad i'm feeling cynical, else my national pride would have kicked in

locked

locked into my cell
of wanting everything
needing everything
and gaining nothing at all

i've locked myself into solitude

i've let everyone down...

again

the wolf pads through
cold snow and ice
making, proudly, it's way
through the meandering
trails in thick, winter
brush
only to discover
it's stumbled into a hollow
a poodle in a
den of bears.

it skirts to the right
hiding in the shadows
of the cave walls
hoping from tail to toes
it's remains unnoticed.

it's where i cower
from everything. i've
thrown my measly self into
a room filled with
strength, ruthlessness,
and a general distaste for cowardice

i watch, helpless
as my every desire,
two measly paces ahead,
but infinitely distant
in the cold realm of possibility,
tears pieces away at my heart
inattentive
of how--in it's absence--
it destroys my very being

hiding - in_acrowdedroom

we feel hopeless
we feel misunderstood
and we all are

we feel confused
we feel indifferent
and we all are

we feel rejected
we feel hyper-sensitive
and we all are

we feel alone
we feel uncared

sometimes it's hard to see love
sometimes it's harder to show it

but in our loneliness
we are always together
forever persevering
forever succeeding

one day at a time

holding up a massive sign with <3 written all over it - in_acrowdedroom

destroy the grand narratives of modernist society
break free from their alluring conformity
their persuasive integration

write your own story
without the inadmissible influence
of a conservative crowd

sing your own song
paint your own portrait
print your own prose

inhere in your own image
if you can endure

english reading - in_acrowdedroom

a red dawn crawls slowly over the horizon
pouring crimson through the clouds and into the sky
red skies at morning
take warning

you come to me screaming of an unrequited love
a story i know too well
but i just do not understand the obsession;
insanity--almost

i put my life on the line for you to see
just how much you are missing
still i get those notes where all i read
is cold; dark

i find out that all i've said has fallen on your
unwilling ears yet again
you cry and obsess and lament over all you can't change
get over it!

try... and when you hit a brick wall try harder
because you can't give up
you can't give in
there is so much more beyond your sight
you have to get yourself there
improve your sight
- eat carrots

not everyone's alone - in_acrowdedroom

the day goes on
and i continue to try
to create something great
of what is necessary

it brings with it
a number of circumstances
which instill added hope
a drug with a terrible price

don't open yourself up to new ideas too soon
don't be too quick to leap
make sure that you have a solid footing to begin with
so when you jump, you bridge the gap
and you don't fall into the chasm below.

building my platform - in_acrowdedroom

nothing i've ever done has made things any better
but i help anyway
nothing i've ever attempted has ever come to fruition
but i attempt anyway
nothing i've ever seen has ever seen me
but i look anyway
nothing i've ever longed for has ever arrived
but i desire anyway

i shoot
but i miss
i create
but i break
i place
but i mislay
i seek
but i lose

all i've ever sought, all i've ever tried, all i've ever found
all i've ever missed, all i've ever failed, all i've ever lost
all i've ever taught, all i've ever learned,
all i've ever seen, all i've ever heard
it all has merit
it all has purpose
and i will continue to seek it

it will cause me pain
it will cause me loss
but i've endured before
and will endure again
because i hang on to that shred of hope
that one day, my efforts will reap reward

i only wish you could see, learn, and try as i do